I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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