P.S. I can't hear my feet
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
