my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
