i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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