She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
