Yo dont text me then not text me
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
