I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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