Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize