Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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