Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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