I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
