I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
