Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
