I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
