After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
