I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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