when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
