he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
