Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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