I think im going to throw up on grandma
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
