so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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