dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
