got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
These tits shall not be calmed
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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