Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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