I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
