You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
