Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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