I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
