if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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