i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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