1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
