when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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