Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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