guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
