Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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