that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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