Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
