I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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