So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
