Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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