I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
