Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I think i got beer on your cat.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
