On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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