I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
