I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
