U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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