"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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