I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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