Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
