last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
