My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
