so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
